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Self-Service Judgment for the Discriminating Social Critic

Coming out is typically a difficult process. Anyone who’s done it knows that, although many might not admit that it’s true. They think coming out is old news. It’s “boring.” They’ve “been there, done that.”

It’s easy to lose empathy for newbies, especially people who set off our gaydar years ago, and especially if they’re celebrities. But we shouldn’t dismiss anyone’s coming out experience. Who are we to judge? More important, how much credibility do we think we have to pass judgment?

Gosh, I’m glad you asked. I’ve attempted to quantify it for you.

1. If after you came out you moved to a major city, you lose 5 points of credibility. If you moved to said city’s gay ghetto, subtract an additional 10 points.

2. If you came out in college but didn’t tell your parents, give up 5 more points. If you also dared to call yourself an activist, subtract 10 more points–and, oh, by the way: Fuck you.

3. If you dated someone seriously but didn’t introduce him/her to your loved ones, take off 5 points. Lose 10 more points if you lived with that person and 10 more if you celebrated holidays with your family without him/her.

4. If your idea of activism is posting comments on LGBT blogs, minus 15. If the comments are only about which celebrities you do and don’t want to have sex with, you don’t lose any additional points, but please note that you’re pathetic.

5a. If you have your own blog and think maintaining it is activism, take off 20 points. And if you believe writing your blog makes you a social critic, please use one hand to slam the lid of your laptop on the fingers of your other hand so everyone at Starbucks knows you’re an idiot.

5b. If you believe you’re morally obligated to supply the world with your social criticism but deny that you exploit current events to promote yourself, shed another 25 points.

6. If you blame all of your oppression on red states and Middle America OR you forgive red states/Middle America because that’s where you’re from and you know in your heart of hearts that they’re all good people, subtract 50 points. That kind of thinking makes you part of the problem.

7. If you have never been physically attacked, fired from a job, evicted, or experienced something similar, then you probably don’t understand why some people wait so damn long to come out. You don’t lose any points for that. Hold on to your points and enjoy not having to divorce yourself from your arrogant assumption that all someone has to do is stand up to adversity. A boot in the back or loss of income are not abstractions.

8. If you lost points in this game, at least you were honest. If you’ve realized the rules aren’t fair, you don’t win, but you can have all your points back.

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